Had a Grooming appointment this week. I know I'm supposed to be an advocate for all of the Services we provide here at Free Dog, and I love Auntie Lisa, our Groomer, but I'm really not into the whole Grooming experience. I keep myself pretty clean, and go swimming in the lake every chance I get. I don't think I need to have baths like, every 6 weeks.
"Do you like sleeping in my bed?"-Editor/Mom
Sure I do. What's that got to with it?
"Well, when you run around wrestling in the dirt with your friends, and get covered with their slobber, and your fur grows out and gets gross, it's not all that appealing."-Editor/Mom
Wow, I thought you loved me unconditionally. I don't care what you smell or look like. I love you anyway.
"Oh, I still love you, don't worry about that. And I like you a little scruffy around the edges. It's just a lot nicer snuggling with you when you're all clean and smelling good. What is it that bothers you about being Groomed?"-Editor/Mom
Smelling good? You seriously "like" that perfume smell? Don't you know how hard we all work at getting that perfect funky odor? It takes weeks, and then, in two hours, it's gone and we have to start over. And that's not even the worst of it. I don't know what happens when you go to get a haircut, but I bet they don't throw you in a tub, naked, and spray hot water at you. And not just once. They gotta suds us all up, rinse, and sometimes they do it twice. Then they rough us all up with a towel and put us in a cage with with a really loud machine that blows hot air at us. Then they put us up on a table and brush us all out. They violate our private areas and stick things in our ears. The lucky dogs are done after that, but if we need a haircut we have to stay on the table for, like, forever while they use scary trimmers and sharp scissors on us. They wonder why we're not into it.
"Actually David, it's pretty much the same for us, except for being thrown in the tub naked and violating our private areas, unless, well, never mind, we don't need to get into that. Anyway, there are some things you just can't do yourselves, and we pay good money to keep us all looking and smelling respectable."-Editor/Mom
What? You PAY for this?? Well, that's just wrong. In fact, I was thinking "I" should be getting paid for having to endure this cruel and unusual punishment. Not to mention, the humans never let us out to play with our friends when we're done.
"Oh, come on now. It's not that bad. You're in and out in a couple hours, they're never mean to you, and even "you" have to admit that you're pretty darn handsome when you come home from the Salon all clean and spiffy. We just like keeping you clean for as long as we can."-Editor/Mom
Well yeah, I do get lots of compliments, and everybody wants to pat me. I guess there are worse things, like it wouldn't be very comfortable if some of the stuff that lands on me got stuck in my fur forever. Maybe we could just skip the shaving of our private parts part. They embarrass us enough when we go to the Vets, but that's another story for another day.